Saturday, May 22, 2010

A moment if you please after 6 months of Blogging

I write to you all to say how I am touched by each end every one of you . I started writing this blog with the aim to simply help me feel better about my self and may be relate my experiences to others who may be seeking an understanding of what life is like as some one who has or is suffering from a mental illness and that some times it is a very lonely scary place to be.

I wanted to share my journey  with you and share my last few years as I have lived it . I wanted to move your mind in to my world and allow you to see , more importantly I wanted to give hope to the world in a way that allows it to may be change the way it breathes as a oneness .

I have written much dialogue  about my self .  So far you have laughed , cried , screamed and yelled with me as I have shared at times my inner most thoughts . for me writing comes natural , But I know not all of you express your selves in this way so I have tried to touch you all in as many ways as I possibly can using many media ..

My aim has also been to help others  by my posts . I have not sought validation or approval for my work . Eventually if I find a publisher brave enough to take my work on I may see the world reading my work . I just want the world to be a happier place and people to be accepted just for who they are in this wonderful planet ,

I have made many friends here while writing my  blogs . Some of you have brought me to tears literally with your own stories and some of you have humbled me by your comments and I acknowledge you all .

I do this also as a way of therapy for myself who like you experiences life in many weird and wonderful ways , Blogs are a way also to do things like to say

I am sorry , I love you , forgive me ,  I care , I have disappointed , I am human .   We some times as writers can get a little brazened in out approach . I have probably been guilty of this too

I am but a mere mortal on this planet with so many faults .. Just ask my family . But I accept me for who I am . I don’t think I really want to be any other way . 

 

To my followers I thank you for your support over the first six months and feel so special that there are so many of you .. I check every day to see how many people have joined . I get so excited when a new person joins and am always touched when I read here or on facebook your comments  I am like a kid in a candy store .

 

Over the last few month my mind has been muddled and I have had moments of darkness . Moments of stark life contemplation and  heavy heart . I guess I am still learning to love me and in the process have stopped being me .

I cannot change who I am . I am a product of my difficult background .  I try not to pass judgment and I am trying to hold back tears now as I remember back earlier this year  people close to me thought of me other wise . I have struggled with my families on both mine and my partner see me . and that hurts me the most ..  I cannot help where i came from or who my role models were in my life . I have learned of late to try to acknowledge just who I am and try to Love me .. 

at the end of the day I am human , I make mistakes , I learn and I try my hardest apply the learning . So please don't judge me on that my dear families . Just Love me … May be I am  just trying to find love and have probably hurt people along the way ..

It is easy for others to judge

Please stop judging me .. please .

I am a great person not some mentally unstable person who carries the personality traits of persons past ..I hope those who have doubted me with my blog receive the love that God can give them more than others .

I want to say to you all that I share my love with all of you in my thoughts . You are all like a big family to me and I do worry about how you all are in your lives . I appreciate too that my life is one life and your stories are all different .

I am still singing and have shared much from my barber shop world and wooed a few singers here too.

I have enjoyed sharing my story about my father with you and loved the feedback from that . it has been a difficult chapter of my life and has caused much sentiment in many eyes and has touched people here who have been able to relate to it . The reunion affected me in many ways and also has changed me as a person . I have over the last few months had to deal with this as a man and not as a childhood memory and have had to deal with repressed memories , bubbling emotions and of late some dark moments of contemplation about just who I am and why and how  I should behave towards my family on both sides and for that I am truly truly sorry . I have felt rejected for who I am and how I got to this stage in my life , trying to make up for lost time .

I have realised how important my own family unit are to me .  And those of you who think lesser of me because of my behaviour .. I have no excuses for any of it . I am trying to grapple with the soul I am and ask for your forgiveness yet do not expect anything more than acknowledgement .

 

To my family and  wonderful in laws I ask to learn to know me again .. I miss you all greatly and will try to be all that I can be to all of you …My blessings to you .. .. ..

 

So where to from here ??

I will just try to be the best person I can be . Like every one else I will fall some times but I will get back up and just keep plodding along no matter who tries to tear me ..

I will try to bring my heart out for others to share so that one day you will feel the goodness in me …

6 months on and I am still on my journey to happiness and learning to breathe gently though every minute of it ..

 

May God’s Angels lift my soul to heaven ever so gently when

I sleep to renew the love I have for me so I may help other souls

become all that God has intended for them “

 

 

Gary Darbyshire

Author – Journey to Happiness  2010 May ..

 

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