Monday, February 8, 2010

Learn to love you first

From the moment he walked through the door he could see that his spirit was not alone . He knew in his mind the torturous emptiness he was feeling needed to be dealt with before his mind would totally lose it self inside a chasm of his ego and never be the same again

What sort of a  dream was this .???

 Depressed and talking to God !!!

The room was lit with golden  lamps that seemed to bow over head . Almost looking like Daffodils   bowing before him as he passed though a  great hall which was decadently  attired with all manor of marble floor coverings .

He tried to wake up from this nonsensical reality  but the harder he tried the brighter the images became .  He felt as if he was being ushered before some great being or some thing .. Was he in heaven .. Gee if it was it had great offerings .. As he moved closer to a great golden light source in the distance he saw his life being thrown at him . He could hear him self in parts of his life . he could see and feel exactly what happened ... Why was this being shown to him .  As if he was experiancing every lower emotion in his body .


" Almost as if a force far greater 
was fine tuning his soul "


abandonment , grief , anger , discontent , humility , rage , envy , jealousy , regret , acknowledgement , disapproval , insecurity .. selfishness , conceitedness , hate , pity , pride 


All being thrown though him by the light which was now in front of him ..  getting weaker he knew he needed to act but how ???  he was being sucked in to the light and its low emotions . too weak to think , he thought for what seemed like an eternity ...  then he screamed out at the light 


No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

" I refuse to accept these emotions , I refuse to live with them" .

The light still undeterred kept up its pace of emotive suggestions which continued to weaken him 



Shame , disgust , arrogant who cares , victim , useless , no hoper , never get any where in life ,   never  amount to  anything , depressed , cry baby ,  snap out of it !!!!!!!!!!!!!


" ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh " 



Then silence every where and all of a sudden the lights dimmed ... the lamps pulsed softly as if a mother was nurturing her baby as if it was learning to love for the first time .. he  sat down and prayed to the light 

" Please help me be all that I am , please help me be true to myself , please help me be the man my family love and want to be around . Please help me understand grace in my life and please help me Love myself again so I may be a great person in my own life with out fear of worry of other peoples lives  " 



The lights turned to a beautiful shade of emerald green yet translucent and very vivid 
though his soul he felt the light source trying to tune in to his heart and touch him softly on the cheek . Just like a mother to her baby for the first time .. 


The light source then softly spoke in a serene male voice 


" Child of the universe may you accept willingly whom you are and  in the scheme of things  is not the path you are on but the journey you undertake .  It appears that you may have not been listening to your soul ,Then   how could you  ?.   your ego is full to the brim of devious  ideology .  Learn to listen to your heart and as it beats take a  nice  feeling from it and allow it to flow through your body ... 

 Choose to be true to your self . Stop being selfish to others , stop playing the poor me , stop complaining about where you stand on the ladder of life and be grateful for at least having life 

 enjoy the wonderful journey your soul is taking you on " 



He breathed out and listened to his heart beat . one blinding emotion came  out above all the others .  


" Self love "


Tears streamed from his colourless face and beaten body and as they slid down his face they formed words in floating puddles in front of his body saying to him 


" It is time to live the life you have . It starts with you Gary it starts with you " 


He weeped  openly and unashamedly now almost uncontrollably 

" God loves you and wants you to be all you can be . He wants you to love all you are .  He wants you to strive to be all you can be  however  to do this you must start to build love for your self .  Choose a positive path for you and the rest will follow . Loving you means you will love others better and in turn eventually they will love you in return  Worry not that they put you down .   Dont be brought down by their own weaknesses , be strong with in your own self .  know that they too have their own issues to deal with not the same as you but in their own way they too have lessons to learn of themselves .  Just love all that you are right now as little as it seems and keep breathing kindness around your soul so it to may work with your heart to strengthen you and ensure your path on this journey is forward moving " 


He felt himself being slowly  moving back , he felt confused yet insatiable at the same time . He felt he had the strength to move up out of the darkness . He kneeled and prayed again on last time

" It will be done and it will be so . thank you for showing me that my life reallty is great and not as difficult as it may seem to me and that i have the power to change who I am so I can impact on how others may react . " 
" Bless you  and thank you " 

Finally as the lights faded away he whispered ever so lightly in to his heart 


"  I love myself  first   "


Gary Darbyshire  2010 (c) copyright 

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