Tuesday, January 19, 2010

V is for Victim and G is for Grace ( Back to the journey )

( BACK TO THE JOURNEY ) .. Re runs are officially over .. 

Wollongong beach near my home 

Memories of Sessions with Dr Katz .. My resident Psych ..

Forgive me  readers for I have lingered from the journey , the real reason I have this blog . I thought it important for you all to get to know me a little . Through the last month or so our Summer holiday season here in The  land down under.  I have been a little remiss and have just posted a few things to keep appearances  as well as a few updates on my father . for the 30 or so new members here see my earlier posts on reunion with my dad in the  December Archives . ..

Now  where were we before summer came .???   Oh yes


Once  I realised I had an issue .  I thought it important for my own sanity to visit some one who specialised in this area . So the next few posts we will talk about some of the opportunities my visits gave me to learn about my self and begin to put the pieces together of a very messy jigsaw .. I am glad I did as I dont think I would be here to tell the story if I didnt .

It was so important for me to realise I had a problem but more importantly do something about it . Not that I am qualified in any way but I know that many of us blokes sit on our hands and do nothing as I had done for 4 years .  Living  in a sort of quasi  denial of what is going on . Some of us tend to bottle it up and explode , or implode as was the case with me .

I sometimes thought it wasn't me,  it was  everyone esle,  a bit like sitting on a merry go round watching every one run around in a blurred state and not quite making out who they were until you either waited till it stopped or you jumped and hoped you landed on a safe patch on the ground with out any one seeing you .

I think looking back now I can see how I didn't wan to get off that round about as I was safe there and that I was happy to be going around in circles blaming every thing around and around  and around to ease the pain of what my mind was protecting me from .. So what word does that conjur up .. so easy now ..the V word

V was for " Victim " 

As far as I was concerned the world owed me a favour . I blamed every one and every thing . Had dome probalby for many years of my life . Not realising why , not realising the influences on me as a child and the environment I was in and the behaviours as a young child  were now maturing and flowering ..

I guess the insecurities after my father left me and feeling of abandonment and loss that I had experianced when as s ten year old my main Mlale role model had left .. But now I understand it .. However I probalby still play the victim sometimes .

 It is not a great emotion to have when dealing with depression .

I guess I  have learned over the last 2 years with a lot of help,  to try to not be a victim or play the role of a victim . I realise now how stupid I must have sounded . To me though it is not easy sometimes . We all wish our lives are better . Maybe  some of us obsess and think the wolrd owes us a favour  to which we know it doesn't ..

I would get so obsessed . I was so envious of people and their lives compared to mine . I probably still think about it  but I dont obsess as I used to . I guess I have learned to use a higher emotion

G is for GRACE 

I am probably still maturing in many ways . I am not a victim and try not to play the victim.  No one owes me a favour but when you are in low moods it is easy to drop in to the comfort zone on no acknowledgement  . I would think

"" No one understands what I am  going through . Not even the Psychs of the world ,   all they  know was learned by going  to university and learning  about Phallic symbols , Archetypal models  and how to interpret modern misbehaver by looking at the parental influences of the past . Gee I am smart I studied that at Grad school at  uni so I know what I was  talking about "    Thanks Dr Jung , Thanks Dr Freud ...  

" Wass ist Loss mit Dir ?"

So part of my therapy was to start by looking at what was in my llife .....

Gee what was good in my life ??

ME and everything about me ...

 Think about ..............Victim ----------Grace ----------Yourself  

I am still learning even today and still fall over so please help me up would you if I stumble here to help me reach for the sky

So lets take it  further .. next time .. on a journey back to happiness  

Regards to you all and be kind to your selves all ways

Gary Darbyshire ..

comments here or on my facebok page welcome ...

 Shot of Wollongong ...That's my home

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