Time past gone in one embrace …
After writing the first post I needed a little time today to reflect and after listening to some one close to me whom I have much respect for I am proceeding carefully . it is important to understand that I have been holding memories and emotions that have been stuck in a void . Letting them out so quickly is akin to winding up a jack in a box as tight as you can for thirty eight years and then all of a sudden
As visual as I am in my writing style I need to be wary of what may come out as I tell you my experience so please understand and respect my comments as I respect what has happened to me not over the last few days but how I need to slowly understand the emotional dissonance I have lived with for 38 years ..
OK lets continue ..
Imagine for a moment what it feels like to sometimes have feelings of abandonment , rejection , dis approval , anxiety of separation , feeling un worthy , feeling of the need to seek approval , feeling the constant need to be loved at any cost . feeling guilty for what is happening around you or with you .
Ok you have that .. now build on that with the idea that through your life you also look at happy families , richer families , families with bigger houses , friends with better jobs , family with better lifestyles than you thus feelings of Envy , jealousy , resentment , all low level emotions ..
Now take these memories and emotions and put them in the recesses of your mind and let them slowly cook and stir in un predictability
Now imagine the sort of home brew you will get and as you get older your wonderful assistant in their called you ego introduces itself to all these friendless entities.. Well may be that has been stirring me at times and may be meeting my father has brought them to the edge of the pot .. or was I able to deal with them ? (we will talk about this more in part 3 )
Well after arriving on the 8th of December and spending a nervous night with my Best friend it was d day or dad day . so any things in my mind . My friend was a legend reassuring me as he has been for the last 30 years as a friend through many a dark day an nights when I had no one to turn to for help ..
I drove nervously to where my father was staying all the tie thinking what will I say , will I cry , will I scream at him , will I cry out and blame him for how I had become in my life and how he was not there to see me finish school or cut my leg . or play soccer for the school . or get my first job . Would I chastise him for not being there for the family and shirking his responsibilities and going back to England ..
All sorts of things went through my head but above all of them was an over powering feeling of finally meeting my Dad , the only dad I knew , the dad who carried me to hospital in his arms when I fell down stairs , the Dad who took me to seethe local soccer matches when iwas four in England . The dad who listened to every question I would ask him and have an answer God bless him for what ever my little five year old mind had . The Dad who cried and cried when he had to leave us thinking he would never see his children again EVER ..
The Dad who comforted me in hospital in Manchester when I was two and was willing to give up his own kidney !!!! to save my life,
" Yes my life without once worrying what the consequences "
Back in the sixties when things were very different. And the Dad who in 1984 must have cried again knowing I did not want to see him while staying less than 3 kilometres from his house, how cruel was I !!!! …
But more than anything he was my Daddy , my Father , My Pappi , My papa who helped bring me in to this world even if I was breach !!!!... Poor bugger didn't get a chance to eve n cut the chord back then …
" My Dad ... And I loved him so much and after 38 years it would be time to tell him again
I love you Dad … and No one is leaving!!! "
He stood alone as if contemplating a seagull in the distance flying towards him but as it got closer it was a dove and it signalled al would be well . I drove around the corner of the street and caught my first glimpse of him in the distance. A battle hardened man stood there lonely and waiting for his son to return. As I drove closer my mind scattered and my breathing heavy but my mind was clear and my conscience was singing..
I got out of the hire car and walked slowly up the drive. He was shorter than I imagined, slight in figure with a familiar podge on him not dis- similar to mine.. I saw his eyes, they were the sort of eyes that had patiently waited for this day when they would see his little 10 year old grown up in to the man he is today.. His hair what was left was silver white as it waved about in the breeze I prayed to God in my mind and gave him thanks at that moment before I embraced him and then I was metres away from him said in curious voice
" Hi Dad how's it Going ? "
It Was all I could get out as I gave him a simple yet probably the most important hug I had given any one in my entire life an embrace that transcended time and place a hug that said so much ,
This was my Dad !!! This was my Dad !! This was my Dad !!
My life would never be the same ever again now
It was time to heal it was time to heal and release those hidden memories and low emotions
There were no tears
JUST LOVE , JUST LOVE
Gary Darbyshire © 2009 part 3 to follow