Thursday, November 5, 2009

The slippery slide of blind denial and emotional dissonence

I look back at my life and think  , What if  I had done this right or that right . Or what if I had  said that right or that or took this job or studied harder or didnt go out as much or listened to my wife more

I look back and think 

If  I could start life again
If only I had his  job
If only I had a bigger house
If onlty I had a bigger car
If only I was more popular


and

Why dont I have a good job ? 
Why have a better mother ?
Why did my father leave us ?
Why is nothing good happening to me ?
Why did I bother doing two masters degrees
Why am I not more successsful ?

and

They have this
They have that
They have more   money
" They "


So where is this leading too... ??

Denial of my self ...

I started to deny who I was .. I began to think  that   I didnt  fit the  mold of anything . I thought why bother .. I guess I denied my own soul the opportunity to help me . I was slipping down the slide in denial .. The more I thought  these things the worse I felt ... . I even tried to use my own dissonence to make up for how  I felt inside ..

As far as I was concerned I was ok cocooned in my own Ego !!!

Hey I was supposed to be smart . I had two masters degress -------- So what if I couldnt get a better job or even a job!!!

Hey my family were totally disfunctional --------So was I so who cared anyway ??

Nothing positive in my life ---So nothing ventured  so nothing gained ??

I denied my self my own self worth . my own worthiness at a basic Level .. Mr Maslow would not be happy with me in his hierachy of needs ??  ......

Your mind is a scary place when you get this low ... I just lived on a day verses day . I  had a big front  with people,  though my inner voice was crying out my ego would not let it . I felt trapped in there and started to believe my own rubbish


All these thoughts  months before I realised that I was going to hit the bottom ....

If only I had listened to the inner voice with in me . I guess I would but probably not as it was a voice less familiar than I knew ....



But hey  I  was alright wasn't I ?????

What do you think ???  hmmmmmm

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