I look back at my life and think , What if I had done this right or that right . Or what if I had said that right or that or took this job or studied harder or didnt go out as much or listened to my wife more
I look back and think
If I could start life again
If only I had his job
If only I had a bigger house
If onlty I had a bigger car
If only I was more popular
Why dont I have a good job ?
Why have a better mother ?
Why did my father leave us ?
Why is nothing good happening to me ?
Why did I bother doing two masters degrees
Why am I not more successsful ?
They have this
They have that
They have more money
" They "
So where is this leading too... ??
Denial of my self ...
I started to deny who I was .. I began to think that I didnt fit the mold of anything . I thought why bother .. I guess I denied my own soul the opportunity to help me . I was slipping down the slide in denial .. The more I thought these things the worse I felt ... . I even tried to use my own dissonence to make up for how I felt inside ..
As far as I was concerned I was ok cocooned in my own Ego !!!
Hey I was supposed to be smart . I had two masters degress -------- So what if I couldnt get a better job or even a job!!!
Hey my family were totally disfunctional --------So was I so who cared anyway ??
Nothing positive in my life ---So nothing ventured so nothing gained ??
I denied my self my own self worth . my own worthiness at a basic Level .. Mr Maslow would not be happy with me in his hierachy of needs ?? ......
Your mind is a scary place when you get this low ... I just lived on a day verses day . I had a big front with people, though my inner voice was crying out my ego would not let it . I felt trapped in there and started to believe my own rubbish
All these thoughts months before I realised that I was going to hit the bottom ....
If only I had listened to the inner voice with in me . I guess I would but probably not as it was a voice less familiar than I knew ....
But hey I was alright wasn't I ?????
What do you think ??? hmmmmmm
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