Sunday, November 15, 2009

One day I cried and told God " Enough " what have I done to disapoint you !!!!!!

You know  faith is an interesting thing ..

I would often think why did the big bloke up stairs put this on me ??

What did  I do in a past life that brought me in to this one ..

I often wonder how amazing the world and its people is .. whether you are religious or not i think the world is just to fantastical to just have evolved the way we see it today .. I was brought up in a pretty non religious back ground so  I guess as i have aged my mind has questioned much of what i don't believe in .

I wonder is every thing by chance or is it destiny ..

any way with that in my little head 2 years ago I wondered why me .. and kind of claimed a victim head .. I thought I must have been a real bastard to have a life like this with out all the trappings of success that i saw others with in my life .. i thought why didn't anything good happen to me ...


So I denied it all and thought oh well its not my fault why should I bother !!!

Why was God punishing me ????  ..

One one of my drives to work I had these irrational thoughts in my head . several voices or ideas streaming through . I thought all sorts of crap as I looked at my self and why I had not achieved greatness in my life

I could hear something deeper though saying to my conscious

"  You need to acknowledge yourself and rise above and help you "

I pulled over  on the side of the road  in a very emotional state thinking

" What have I done to disappoint you "
" enough " ...


I tried to reason but just cried and cried and cried for at least a half an hour . i guess it was during that big cry that my mind opened and some of the garbage came out . it was as if it was going to happen no matte how hard I tried to stop it or ignore it ..

I thought life was just too much and didnt really care any more i didn't want to be alive

 I guess at that time I then felt a sudden urge to to listen to my heart thumping a little harder .. my mind raced back to my children and my beautiful wife on our wedding day . as I cried I thought of the times when I held my babies for the first time .. and how i was so proud of me then and my wife and kind of how lucky I was to have them in my life ..


I went back in my mind to my graduation ceremony at Wollongong Uni when I received my Double masters and how excited i was .... I just cried I guess I needed to get it all out of my system .

all of a sudden I came to my senses and felt a relief and very excited , I laughed and realized , hey life is good may be  I should give it a go ...

I prayed to the big bloke upstairs and then asked him to keep an eye on me .. I cried out for him to help me through this. In my mind I knew only I could do this

It was from that moment I really began my journey back to happiness . i had no idea what depression really was but I knew my mooods were erratic and  i really needed help ......I had no idea what he had install for me but you know

Life changed for me that day , life changed me that day .. Thanks to something that happened I cannot even begin to explain .. I really believe someone or something  woke my soul and gave it a shake ...


And so it goes and so it is ...

Darbz

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