Wednesday, December 23, 2009

My Dad came back 2 weeks ago after 37 years not being part of my life part 2 of 3

Time past gone in one embrace …


After writing the first post I needed a little time today to reflect and after listening to some one close to me whom I have much respect for I am proceeding carefully . it is important to understand that I have been holding memories and emotions that have been stuck in a void . Letting them out so quickly is akin to winding up a jack in a box as tight as you can for thirty eight years and then all of a sudden




As visual as I am in my writing style I need to be wary of what may come out as I tell you my experience so please understand and respect my comments as I respect what has happened to me not over the last few days but how I need to slowly understand the emotional dissonance I have lived with for 38 years ..


OK lets continue ..

Imagine for a moment what it feels like to sometimes have feelings of abandonment , rejection , dis approval , anxiety of separation , feeling un worthy , feeling of the need to seek approval , feeling the constant need to be loved at any cost . feeling guilty for what is happening around you or with you .


Ok you have that .. now build on that with the idea that through your life you also look at happy families , richer families , families with bigger houses , friends with better jobs , family with better lifestyles than you thus feelings of Envy , jealousy , resentment , all low level emotions ..

Now take these memories and emotions and put them in the recesses of your mind and let them slowly cook and stir in un predictability

Now imagine the sort of home brew you will get and as you get older your wonderful assistant in their called you ego introduces itself to all these friendless entities.. Well may be that has been stirring me at times and may be meeting my father has brought them to the edge of the pot .. or was I able to deal with them ? (we will talk about this more in part 3 )


Well after arriving on the 8th of December and spending a nervous night with my Best friend it was d day or dad day . so any things in my mind . My friend was a legend reassuring me as he has been for the last 30 years as a friend through many a dark day an nights when I had no one to turn to for help ..

I drove nervously to where my father was staying all the tie thinking what will I say , will I cry , will I scream at him , will I cry out and blame him for how I had become in my life and how he was not there to see me finish school or cut my leg . or play soccer for the school . or get my first job . Would I chastise him for not being there for the family and shirking his responsibilities and going back to England ..


All sorts of things went through my head but above all of them was an over powering feeling of finally meeting my Dad , the only dad I knew , the dad who carried me to hospital in his arms when I fell down stairs , the Dad who took me to seethe local soccer matches when iwas four in England . The dad who listened to every question I would ask him and have an answer God bless him for what ever my little five year old mind had . The Dad who cried and cried when he had to leave us thinking he would never see his children again EVER ..

The Dad who comforted me in hospital in Manchester when I was two and was willing to give up his own kidney !!!! to save my life,

" Yes my life without once worrying what the consequences "


Back in the sixties when things were very different. And the Dad who in 1984 must have cried again knowing I did not want to see him while staying less than 3 kilometres from his house, how cruel was I !!!! …

But more than anything he was my Daddy , my Father , My Pappi , My papa who helped bring me in to this world even if I was breach !!!!... Poor bugger didn't get a chance to eve n cut the chord back then …


" My Dad ... And I loved him so much and after 38 years it would be time to tell him again

I love you Dad … and No one is leaving!!! "


He stood alone as if contemplating a seagull in the distance flying towards him but as it got closer it was a dove and it signalled al would be well . I drove around the corner of the street and caught my first glimpse of him in the distance. A battle hardened man stood there lonely and waiting for his son to return. As I drove closer my mind scattered and my breathing heavy but my mind was clear and my conscience was singing..

I got out of the hire car and walked slowly up the drive. He was shorter than I imagined, slight in figure with a familiar podge on him not dis- similar to mine.. I saw his eyes, they were the sort of eyes that had patiently waited for this day when they would see his little 10 year old grown up in to the man he is today.. His hair what was left was silver white as it waved about in the breeze I prayed to God in my mind and gave him thanks at that moment before I embraced him and then I was metres away from him said in curious voice


" Hi Dad how's it Going ? "


It Was all I could get out as I gave him a simple yet probably the most important hug I had given any one in my entire life an embrace that transcended time and place a hug that said so much ,


This was my Dad !!! This was my Dad !! This was my Dad !!


My life would never be the same ever again now

It was time to heal it was time to heal and release those hidden memories and low emotions

There were no tears



Gary Darbyshire © 2009 part 3 to follow

back to the future ... my 2nd post ever way back when

Andrea Bocelli -One of my vehicles of calm ...


Before we talk more about just the how, why and who and what... I want to share a few things about my love of things spiritual and how they have helped me along the way...

Some times during my days of bleakness and darkness I often sought the solace of music and the words that meant I could escape from reality. It was like a pill to ease my pain. I would gravitate to soulful stuff. As a writer I am often drawn to exciting lyrics. However in a depressed state you don’t really care about much at all in fact all the things you normally love you turn away from... For me music was a constant source of quick fixes in small doses....

It was something I didn’t have an active role in except for listening and allowing a one way feed in to my battered and bruised mind... (More on that later)... I found sad things appealing... strange that sad things made me happy in a strange sort of Emo way (nOT)...

Andrea Bocelli was something I was drawn to late at night when everyone was in bed and it was me verses the deafening conflicts which bombarded my mind at times pushing and pulling... they say music tames the savage beast ..

I would listen to sad stuff and cry ... I would wonder why God had chosen me to pour out the dirty water on me! I though what had I done in A previous life ... I just kept fighting it inside... I would have terrible mood swings ., many times yelling at my ever so living family ... half the time I would not realise why and after a crazed day where all I did was yell at every one about nothing I would sit at my desk and sink in to a little dark cave and wonder where is the light ..

I started to listen to my mind sometimes and would listen to music. If one or a few songs helped me at times the word to the following song helped me.... I guess the words helped soothe the aches and pain my poor poor soul was trying to cover with an emotional bandage...

The following song “Go where Love goes” is symbolic of my heart trying to reach out to me to love my self ... God knows I didn’t realty care!!! God knows I needed to feel over from myself.... sometimes the tears just flowed when i was alone... I felt ashamed , unworthy and like I really was not in the mod for life at all ,, thank fully after drying my eyes I wood sometimes put this song on and try to listen though many times crying along to the words but after a little while I was ok again ready to fight another demon inside ,,,

and   " Go where love goes " ..................................................

And when you feel the world is against you   sing along to it ............

Merry Christmas every one

Monday, December 21, 2009

We are all of great minds

Dont ever underestimate the beauty of your mind . Never for a moment think you are not intelligent in any form . You are a child of God , Not just an image on a photo . You are all that  all that is in him You are who you are 

Like all of us on this planet you are intelligent beyond measure. What you do with it is entirely up to you .

But I reckon the big bloke up there already has us sorted ...

Gary Darbyshire (c) 2009

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Christmas wishes … more to come




May your God hold your soul a little stronger over the coming week

May your soul hold your ego at bay these coming days

May your Mind hold your thoughts a little closer by the hour

May you enjoy the moment you have now and learn to let go






Blessings to you all every where always




Gary Darbyshire

Author of Journey back to Happiness and survivor of Depression

Friday, December 18, 2009

Optimism : A pictorial approach















Pathways to Peace


Some thing I found hidden in a word file . Me thinks my Son put this together … another great and inspirational person in my life

Enjoy the pathway

Gary Darbyshire



the message

"Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God."
- Matthew 5:9

"Integrity is one of several paths.  It distinguishes itself from the others because it is the right path and the only one upon which you will never get lost."
- M.H. McKee

"If the sight of the blue skies fills you with joy, if the simple things of nature have a message that you understand, rejoice, for your soul is alive."
- Eleonora Duse

"Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see."
- Mark Twain

"Faith is the strength by which a shattered world shall emerge into the light."
- Helen Keller

"This is courage… to bear unflinchingly what heaven sends."
- Euripedes

"Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark."
- George Iles

"We must not only give what we have; we must also give what we are."
- Desire-Joseph Mercier

"I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, but only more love."
- Mother Teresa

"Never think that God's delays are God's denials.  Hold on, Hold fast, Hold out.  Patience is genius."
- Comte Georges Louis Leclerc de Buffon

"The great thing in this world is not so much where we are, but in what direction we are moving."
- Oliver Wendell Holmes

"A single grateful thought raised to heaven is the most perfect prayer."
- Gotthold Ephraim Lessing

"Pride is concerned with who is right.  Humility is concerned with what is right."
- Ezra Taft Benson

"Forgiveness is the answer to the child's dream of a miracle by which what is broken is made whole again, what is soiled is again made clean."
- Dag Hammarskjold

"We must come to see that peace is not merely a distant goal we seek, but it is a means by which we arrive at that goal.  We must pursue peaceful ends through peaceful means."
- Martin Luther King, Jr.


Thursday, December 17, 2009

The importance of being true to your self

 Never allow anyone no matter who they are in your life make you believe you are lesser a person than they are EVER !!!! Always have a belief in your own souls greatness and let not words or humility change you ...


House keeping:

  1. Many have asked me to write a Christmas follow up to my little memory note I put on here a few weeks ago. I'm in the process of doing that and will post it in the next few days.


  2. Many of you have asked about the re union with my father last week on my face book page and in my inbox . I could write a book on it . I am still gathering my thoughts on it and have a draft form of it . It will be posted next week and will be well worth reading. Needless to say . it was a life changing event in my short life


  3. I have been asked to contribute to a couple of online sites for work and also here on the WWW so my work is being noticed.


Journal entry 18th February 2008 11.35 pm

Edited version

I see you a little better when the sun is outside my mind shining in


Your mind so talented, searching for a mind to heal, a smile to rebuild form the unfortunate events it has endured in its expression. Let go of your mind and allow your sweetness to pour, don't discriminate, let the love juices of your heart flow through our world to colour the sky and protect us from the approaching fears we have about ourselves,

I see you better when the sun is outside my mind, though there are a few puzzles to solve in some small ways. When you are kind to me my mind lights up a thousand street lights of happiness. Though I know my mind sits in the lining of the clouds above yet some times when you peer in with light for me and not darkness of an approaching storm I see you a little better and the sun shines through me and allows me to warm my soul and dry myself form any cold front that might have been lurking..



Gary Darbyshire © 2009 copyright

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

A little magic .

May the Sun smile down on your heart and sing a song of happiness every time you praise your self for how wonderful you really are and even if you don't may the sun shine more happiness on your soul than ever before

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Amazing Grace - ( No words required from me )

May your  God bless you and keep you safe  for all the days of your life ...

So I appreciate a good day

A Good Day

As God turns on the light in your mind allow your self that one moment where you chooose to have a positive experiance for as long as the moments allow you   For during your day  appreciate all your God has enabled you to savour as your senses take in all that you behold and allows you to not dream your life away but live each moment as if your last

Secrets ...

Have a look at the video then we will discuss 

PostSecret: Confessions on Life, Death and God from Frank Warren on Vimeo.

Secrets ?? Why do we keep them and are we happier for having them ???

I saw this on face book on a link from a  friend of mine , As curious as I was I watched it ..

Why do we hide things in our mind we have done or how we feel ?    What does it really say about us on our journey to happiness . I am sure we all have secrets .  They are kind of our special little part of our  mind to where we go to live out our fantasies or imagine .  Secrets are also things we may be doing or have done to make our selves feel better about who we are .   Secrets also allow us to hide behind them and also give  us a sense of power over some one else


but who are we really kidding here ??

Why say to some one you love them only hurl abuse at them in the next breathe .  Some times we are as hypocritical . We sit in judgment of others in this place .  How often do you hear  people say

" I am not Racist but " .....
" I really like her but "
" I m not jealous "

How often do you hear some one talk about some one elses situation which makes you feel awkward and instead of respecting your beliefs and morals you nod your head in approval when   " Secretly " you totally disapprove ..


"""  I would always seek approval for things I did in my life . I was always jealous of other members of my family for what they had . My self pity in my depression was disgusting . I used to think Why not me , I always looked at my self lower on the scale of life .  I always used to paint my self as a caring human being and had a front full of charm .. but my stupid  ego always made me keep it a secret to how I really felt .. ""

I am not perfect .  Secretly I hoped that my two masters degrees would give me better status in my family . I secretly hoped I would be more loved if I  had more credibiity . I thought if I was percieved to be smarter I would be liked more and respected more and would be up there with them . ( How wrong !!!!!)

 I would think look at them how successful , look at their things look at my  my crap  life .  I guess sometimes even using a forum like this one I am able to hide behind a screen and not face up to the real world I live in and lack of real friends I have. May be I dont have many real friends and yearn for approval and reward by looking for approval in what ever way I can get i t!!!

 I guess secrets did not help me in my life they just acted as a mask for how i ws feeling a sort of justifiable way of existing by justifying all that I ............



I learned through my therapy that living like this was not the way to go . i learned that my life was how it was .,That I should be grateful for all the wonderful things in my life . I had to look in to my self and take a good look at what was really important to me ..

One thing stuck out ..

The  only way I was going to move forward in my life and shake this black dog was to learn to love me for every thing my soul had taught me . To understand it was ok to be who I was and not be some one else or to try to emulate them  . To pass judgment on family or others because of who they were or weren't .

That it was ok  to love me .

But I needed to deflect feelings of    

false emotions

We are humans or should I say we are spirits having a human experience ..We should be more accepting of others and listen to our selves a little more .  Listen to our souls and  say

Do I really mean that when I say ....  ???

Learn to listen , to love and appreciate your own reason for being 

Gary Darbyshire 
2009 (c) 

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

" May God hold You In the palm of His hands "

Photography by My talented Daughter Adelina

May God hold you in  the palm of his hands. 

May your spirits enlighten your soul and may the Angels of Christmas sing glorious tunes to enlighten your heart as it beats day after day and may God hold you in the palm of his hand in wonderment of your inner beauty

May a moment in time last hours in your mind and may the colours you imagine intensify so as to heighten your love for the greatness that you are

May God's love give you strength to be happy today knowing a day is a long time in your life and happiness should be seen in every moment of every dew drop and every bubble in your bath ,,,

May the waters from the heavens shower you like a water fall and replenish the faith in your self to carry on and as the black birds pray for you they will sing your favaourate song

And may God hold you in the palm .......of his hands

...Gary Darbyshire 2009 copyright (c)

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Journal entry from 14/06/08 Spirit in Disharmony

Never allow the discourse of another spirit's emotion cloud the vision of who you are . Never allow yourself to be forced in to their vacuum of doubt within you. No matter how it may be projected whether internal of not .


" Far Stronger am I for choosing who I am for me and not to sit in the warm cosy pool of some ones ego ."


Today I realised how shallow some pools can be and allowed myself to drown in my own tears of hurt for someone whom my love has been forever strong , Whether it is their ego or indeed their projection of their disconnectedness , I am not sure .



My ego my fight to connect with the entering thoughts and accept them as given, but my spirit knows better and the strength my soul has learned to acquire . I am able to filter out the noise and nonsensical garbage and listen to the subtleness of tone and dissolve and softly nurture the aggressions until they are like silent notes between the harmonies



Spiritual channel

  • That which is un required in your memory
  • Learn to filter the emotion from the meaning of the communication
  • Allow your inner spirit to guide your thought processes during these times and remember tat is is not you they are targeting and though at times it may seem sad in your life to hear negative thoughts bombard you r mind constantly

" it is you who makes a conscious choice to let it affect your position , thus be true to yourself and do not allow the shallowness of a pool to drown you "






Friday, November 27, 2009

Journal entry dated 22/03/09 inspirational entry

It's not who you believe in

More how the belief touches you enough to impact

On a potential change in your consciousness

Look at light and see the energy your mind absorbs









Truth within your Self


(C) Copyright 2009 Gary Darbyshire ©

A memory from a pleasant enough Christmas Eve

The year is 1969 and it is December 24th , The black and white television in the front room is playing old movies from the bygone era of Christmas. As a six year old child I am so excited because soon it will be Christmas. The temperature outside is a balmy minus 4 and I have been playing outside with my brother in my old beaten up red and white mini pedal car albeit covered in snow. I was probably re enacting " " " The Italian Job " Dressed up to the nines in double layer underwear , vest , shirt , with one of those very warm woolly jumpers and my absolute mega favourite item in the world my Navy Blue Duffle coat . The coat that took me from minus 4 degrees Celsius to 44 degrees Celsius in 4 layers. It was my prized possession. Another layer down was my mittens which were welded on prior to use and I could never get them off. As England is closer to the North Pole and at times I think it was part of it Christmas was a time of madness and mayhem and absolute excitement.


There was the usual hustle and bustles in the big shops of Manchester. A real treat for us was to catch the red double Decker bus in to the City and visit the big shops to see our favourite person Santa Claus. To me he was my meal ticket to something special that year . I was never spoilt by any means but negotiating from an early age I would always have a lot to talk about. My poor younger brother, who was a little more introverted than I was, usually got the last minute to ask what he wanted. But I always made representation for him in my discussion with Santa about what the Darbyshire boys wanted to at that age it was more like " I need this ", "I want this " or " I have to have this "


Mean while back at our home which was the typical semi detached coronation street type house in the coronation street type street complete with all the characters in the show. Christmas eve was filled with lots of treats all day long . the record player played old Christmas carols . Yes record player, the type with a needle and black disks . It was probably the only time I did not hear the Beatles being played on it or Cilia black a famous singer in her day sort of a younger version of Susan Boyle.


In the evening after being ladened up with sugar from the day we would crash. After our tea as we called it there, we would sit by our fire in our front room (Family room) and peer through our frost and iced up window and gaze up to the heavens to We would usually put our tongues on the window and see how long before we part of the window became permanently. But more often we would gaze excitedly in to the night sky to try and sneak a peek of Santa and his reindeers lighting up the sky.


Our parents would always tell us if he saw us before time we may not receive. Our chimney was centre stage prepared for his arrival. I would make sure there was a clear path there and the fire would be out.. The other crucial thing which has carried on in my life here too was to make sure ample refreshments were left for him back in the day it was probably a Pint of stout or glass of Brandy or something like that and of course biscuits . My favourite ones were the chocolate finger biscuits if there were any left . Our Christmas tree was a real one which was placed somewhere prominent with room cleared for any thing large. So When I negotiated large items with Santa I would have to factor in how he would get them down the chimney..



Finally as this little sleepy head went up stairs to bed with his little brother time stood still for a moment in my mind as I thought how lucky I was. Well may be I thought that . I hoped that I had been good because my grand mother said to me if I was naughty through the year I would receive a bag of coal. So I said a lot of prayers that night just in case I had been naughty. I even said one for my brother just in case he missed one out. And as I slept I dreamt of may be sneaking a peek of Santa and bringing all those presents for me and my little brother... And tried very hard to sleep under the 300 blankets we had on our beds to keep us warm. I could not understand why Christmas eve always took so long but eventually falling asleep un aware of Santa's visit to my family home. I am sure one Christmas though I heard a few ho ho ho's but hey I wouldn't admit to that now would I???

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Muppets make us all happy

Muppets : Bohemiam rhapsody

After a serious post yesterday . I thought it time to lighten up .

This video will have you laughing .

Singing brought me back from  way down low . singing made me glow again ..

This song is one that is usualy sung in four parts and really gets high

I think I like the muppets version better .

So if you are on my Facebbook page click on the blog site

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

So where to know You have a path

So which path will you choose ???
At least now the way forward is in view ..

Good !!

You dont know where your going till youknow where you are

Sometimes you are not sure what path you should take or you run out of room
I have learned to sit and think about it a while and the path will appear
No close your eyes and wonder where your path will take you ...

Open them ans see a different picture ??

Goood !!!

Wayne Dyer is an amazing positive person and listening to his word of optimism will help any one who has lost their path ,  The saying above symbolises part of the blog posting before . Responding to the karma to heal you  ..


Take me to a place where I ll  happy
Fly me over fields of green
Caress my heart and soothe weary soul
where Angels minds are free to roam
and let God listen to my mind at play ..

(c) Gary Darbyshire  ( copyright 2009 )

A little writing for my book

Reader discretion advised

He looked in the mirror and stared aimlessly in to the void between the cracks as it hung on his bathroom wall

A voice said to him "Why do you bother Darbz??? ". "You're a waste of space. No one gives a toss about you what have you done in your life? "

Do you really think your wife loves you. She could do far better than you she could have married someone who is not a wimp, someone who stands up for him self. Why did she marry you .? Was it for your looks, don't kid yourself, you have put on the kilos and would be lucky to get a look form the side of a bus!!! .

Maybe it is your wonderful personality.. Did someone say personality, Jesus Christ do you have any one who can really vouch for you there?? . What about your career, God a bloody public servant is that all you could get for the so called master's degrees you constantly show off to any one that listens to try and give the impression you might even have some intelligence!!

You have never done anything right have you!!!!

The voice grew more devious in its tone

Gary fought the voice as best he could

" I did my best I am a good person I have tried my best " 

Pushing his knuckles In to the air he yelled out in agony from the mental torment he was receiving

"Pleeeeaasse go away just go away "

He lost his ground as he thumped the air and as if the air had been taken out of a balloon at a party, slumped to the cold tiles of his bathroom and curled up like a baby in the womb of a mother who would not own him or care for him and left him out to die

The voice in his head was not going to relent as if lathered up for the final blow to the already bloodied face of its opponent weakened by the power of its over arching fervour .

" Your mother messed your life up , your father left you and your children really don't want a loser for a father do they ??"

The voice said as if ready to drive a dagger through the hear t of its opponent.

" You are useless. you will be nothing more than what you are now !! get over it , snap out of it !!!!

Gary's eyes reddened from the crying closed as if being held done by bricks, he had lost the battle, maybe he was useless may be the voice in his head was right.. It was as If he had lost the will to live ….. And had allowed the little respect he had left be drained out like a sewer pipe . He thought that would be it ……

The tiles were cold and smelled a little chalky , his tongue felt the salty taste on it tip as he felt his heart beating like a freight train going over tracks with a full load of carriages da dump da dump da dump … His breath gasping as if waiting for the final punch to be given .. Just hurry up and do it he thought

He had been beaten down beaten in to submission as if a slave to his own dark mind which would now assume control of all his thoughts. words entered his mind one after another

Useless husband , lazy , just scraped through your masters , messed up dysfunctional family , why are you not like others in my family ?? fat over weight Who would want to sleep with you ?? , you will never get anywhere, you couldn't hold job down for long could you , Victim victim victim . Even your wife must be sick of you!!! , your kid don't have a role model do they.?? . Even the dogs hate you..

He lay they curled up in a ball exhausted just trying to block out the darkness and praying for the voices to stop but they wouldn't!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then silence , a numbing silence as if the storm had changed course , may be a break in the weather , he wondered at least for today but he wondered just for how long it was going to be a long day and at 2am in the morning had a long way to go ………………………….

© Gary Darbyshire 2009 ( copyright )

Friday, November 20, 2009

One word " Gratitude "

This brought a tear to my eye when I watched it .  it will touch you ..


Tuesday, November 17, 2009

I can fly in my mind

To a place
Peaceful and full of grace
Come with me
You will see
Love is there to make us whole again
A love that only love knows

Go where love goes
Go where your heart leads
Angels are pleading with you
Go there
Go where love dares

Gather me in your arms
old me close like lazarus
To rise again like a bird

To fly again
In flowers dreams
So love can feed your soul
(love feeds your soul)
love will make you whole
(love makes you whole)


go where love goes
go where your heart leads
angels are pleading with you
go there
go where love dares
to go

love makes the rainbow
love is the dawn's glow
love makes the rose grow
reaching for heaven so...

go where love goes
go where your heart leads
angels are pleading with you
go there
go where love dares

Dream how love dreams
love feeds the dreamers
angels are calling you
to go there

Andre Bocelli

A bit of house keeping for my facebook firends

Hi just a quick note ..

Many of my entries here contain multimedia componants .. Please log into my Blogsite to get the real experiance ......

you will find enhancments there I am sure you will enjoy ..

Please give me a little feedback .. its good for my ego..

Please share  my Blog with  all your friends

Lets spread happiness around the world and feel a shift in energy ...


Video Interlude 2

God bless you all .... and may his Angels watch over you allways ...


Sunday, November 15, 2009

One day I cried and told God " Enough " what have I done to disapoint you !!!!!!

You know  faith is an interesting thing ..

I would often think why did the big bloke up stairs put this on me ??

What did  I do in a past life that brought me in to this one ..

I often wonder how amazing the world and its people is .. whether you are religious or not i think the world is just to fantastical to just have evolved the way we see it today .. I was brought up in a pretty non religious back ground so  I guess as i have aged my mind has questioned much of what i don't believe in .

I wonder is every thing by chance or is it destiny ..

any way with that in my little head 2 years ago I wondered why me .. and kind of claimed a victim head .. I thought I must have been a real bastard to have a life like this with out all the trappings of success that i saw others with in my life .. i thought why didn't anything good happen to me ...

So I denied it all and thought oh well its not my fault why should I bother !!!

Why was God punishing me ????  ..

One one of my drives to work I had these irrational thoughts in my head . several voices or ideas streaming through . I thought all sorts of crap as I looked at my self and why I had not achieved greatness in my life

I could hear something deeper though saying to my conscious

"  You need to acknowledge yourself and rise above and help you "

I pulled over  on the side of the road  in a very emotional state thinking

" What have I done to disappoint you "
" enough " ...

I tried to reason but just cried and cried and cried for at least a half an hour . i guess it was during that big cry that my mind opened and some of the garbage came out . it was as if it was going to happen no matte how hard I tried to stop it or ignore it ..

I thought life was just too much and didnt really care any more i didn't want to be alive

 I guess at that time I then felt a sudden urge to to listen to my heart thumping a little harder .. my mind raced back to my children and my beautiful wife on our wedding day . as I cried I thought of the times when I held my babies for the first time .. and how i was so proud of me then and my wife and kind of how lucky I was to have them in my life ..

I went back in my mind to my graduation ceremony at Wollongong Uni when I received my Double masters and how excited i was .... I just cried I guess I needed to get it all out of my system .

all of a sudden I came to my senses and felt a relief and very excited , I laughed and realized , hey life is good may be  I should give it a go ...

I prayed to the big bloke upstairs and then asked him to keep an eye on me .. I cried out for him to help me through this. In my mind I knew only I could do this

It was from that moment I really began my journey back to happiness . i had no idea what depression really was but I knew my mooods were erratic and  i really needed help ......I had no idea what he had install for me but you know

Life changed for me that day , life changed me that day .. Thanks to something that happened I cannot even begin to explain .. I really believe someone or something  woke my soul and gave it a shake ...

And so it goes and so it is ...


Saturday, November 14, 2009

So why am I here and where am I going ??

You are fortunate to take this journey with me As I write my book on my Journey back to happiness . A collection of thoughts. stories . experiences , creative philosophies and inspirational stuff I have created over many years,  which I have decided now to bring out of my head for the better ment of people .

If one person reads one sentence in my book , blog or is inspiredby my poetry , prose , music or other multimedia and

" feels better for it than before they have read it "

Then I have succeeded . This is not about me . However the journey taken in my mind over the last decade will bring out many things.   I hope will l allow people who have suffered of are suffering form mental illness may relate to or may help in some way not to feel alone anymore

I am also writing it for me as a part of my own therapy .I have been a closet writer for a long time and have many works . This is a medium that allows me to interact and expolore my own feelings not in a way to expose or draw attention to myself for selfish egotistic reasons but to allow my self an out let to be me and reach out ..   Yes I will be publishing in the real world but the blog is a helpful way for me to gain feed back and assist me in creating dialouge as a pre text .

So if you are a publisher , Yes I would like to talk ,  but for now I am just enjoying my new found passion to write again  .  Over all I have learned to love me in the process .I may feel  on top of the word today tomorrow I may not but I have  learned now by accepting the wonderful gifts I have with in myself not to be a victim and mov ever forward ..

If you are reading this on face book , over time I will be using it more as  multi media capabilities are greater . Join as a fan or a follower and I encourage comments to help me improve or to encourage group dialogue on a range of issues ..    And please suggest  or promote the site to   your friends so they may also enjoy or gain some thing .

Blessings to all today 
I hope you have enjoyed my contributions so far ...

May the Sun smile down on your heart and sing a song of happiness every time you praise your self for how wonderful you really are and even if you dont may the sun shine more happiness on your soul than ever before

Copyright (c) Gary Darbyshire 2009

Saturday, November 7, 2009

mean while back on the journey

Now where were we??

So far I have rambled a bit here and there, the nature of this blog is so That I may share my experiences on this journey. You may feel you might want to go back and have a look at a few things along the way... Feel free to do this  "First Post I have written "

Now , How long do I think I have been living with this so called depression thing sitting dormant n the back of my mind ready to pounce on me unexpectedly ? Gee you know my life just like yours has had many experiences... So what triggered it...? My Psychologist (Oh look an admission) and I spoke a great deal about my childhood..., my relationships... I will refer to my Psych as Dr Katz to protect the innocent. Though some believe that he is real and have asked me for his number "Now that scary! We have spoken about events in my life that trigger me to react .. Write that word down

"  REACT "

As this is a Blog and not a book yet I will treat it as such and spare some of the details however when published many of these ideas will be expanded . If I have learned any thing on my journey so far it has been hoe to not to react .. Dr Katz spoke to me at length about personalities in my life and probably heard a few personalities in me at times ,,,

You know  the first big thing I did was


Acknowledgment ot me was a like opening up a door  of a very old  and run down house lghting a match to see what was in there and proceeding to sort out eveything and putting it in order .

Acknowledging made me upset too

I  thought  , I want sick I was fine  I am cool with this low mood stuff , its not like its all the time .  Couldnt be furthee  from the truth , and realised a few sessions in or couple of weeks that I had been feeling this way for quite a long time ,,   I was a little and though what would people think of me . . i thought most people looked at me and thought very little any way given hoe my life had turned out and was allways wary around family .

In my eyes

I  was allways looking for approval for every thng and couldnt figure out why .. I thought who would listen to me any way . I was after all at the bottom of the famly in Status and was often reminded I looked at me as the one who never  amounted to any thing great like others had .. or the one who during arguments someting


He said why
She said Who cares
He said Sorry
She said
Dont Bother
He said I love you
She said
You dont Love you
He said Who cares

copyright  (c)  Gary Darbyshire  2009 ..

A song I used to sing to myself when sad four part harmony

Blessings till next time ... comments appreciated

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